17//02//23

thoughts of u have been seeping into my head for the past week now

14//11/23

i’ve missed u a lot lately

and i say that with sincerity

i’m sure i’ll see u one day soon

maybe a saturday or sunday afternoon

my bag is filled with old bad habits

tucked away beside loud laments

longing for your company

hoping you still think i am somebody

it has been weeks my dearest friend

how have u been?

have u been eating? are u well?

are u able to keep ur fingers still?

i’ve been fine, i’ve been drinkin

and i’ve let my mind go wanderin

i still miss u and want to kiss u

but the timing is just not true

18//12//22

the moon watches as it rains inside my room tonight but the sun may look into my window and see that im alright

14//12//22

i’m starting to forget the shape of your face and how your fingers would trace
the bumps and lines on my hand, as the bus stumbles while we stand 

i just can’t stop thinking about u 

11//12//22

i missed u quite a bit today. i feel ok though, i just missed u. i really miss u asking “are u flirting?” and “u?….me?…..nah surely not!” and the little giggle after it

i’m starting to slowly forget the sound of your voice ever so slightly and i did get a little upset at that this afternoon. currently going through the day-after-drinking blues which amplifies my darker thoughts & feelings but it is all temporary. i’ll find my footing again tomorrow at some point.

i really do miss spending my sundays with u but maybe i’ll see u some sunday soon and we can have a grand time together. i am still hopeful that we can make a dent on the list of things we made to do with one another. it doesn’t need to be any time soon of course.

i had a really good 2 days on friday & saturday and i think with how i felt during those days, it is making today feel that little more bleak.

overall though, i am doing okay.

07//12//22

we haven’t spoken in three days an my days have went at such a slow pace; it is something that i’m still adjusting to i suppose but it’s difficult. i never expected to speak to u every day and we said we can catch up when we both feel better but i’m terrified that when we do catch up feelings are lost and i guess that is what is upsetting me the most just now. well, i don’t guess, i know that is what is upsetting me the most just now. u said i could message u if i needed anything from u but i can’t do that right now and i’m not sure when i can be able to because i don’t need or want to be all doom and gloom.

i think i managed to find some grounding today with everything going on though, which isn’t all that bad. i didn’t listen to a song on our playlists today and i haven’t shed any tears (yet). i’ve picked up a few bad habits since the weekend which i’m quickly letting go of once i go to bed tonight. i’m not entirely sure what the point of this letter/post is if i’m honest, i just wanted to type something out 

me and the group of friends i have are starting to do a coffee night once a week so we can all communicate with one another and be there for support cause all of us are going through rough times at the moment. we had our first one last night and it was nice but i’m not going to lie, i didn’t feel that much better from it.

i felt myself get angry last night when i got home and ran through my memories of the past month and i feel such a resentment towards myself for that. i keep apologising to myself and saying that it is okay to feel all different kind of emotions that aren’t to be expected from change in life but it didn’t feel like me.

i’m doing really well at work though which a lot of people seem to be pleased about and i haven’t dropped the ball once so far. u would be proud of that. my friends are proud and the people at work are proud. still dislike work cause it gets pretty lonely when i’m in an office by myself or in the house alone working. 

i went to my first magic the gathering event since 2019 on monday 05//12//22 which is something that people were chuffed about. i’ve been playing a lot online and i’m going to do that for the rest of the night until i go to bed. i still hope i get to show u how to play since u seemed keen whenever i spoke about it.

~

i started writing a poem yesterday which is all a work in progress

“ brilliance that once bellowed brightly, diminishes in destructive deeds dared on by dark dreams 
as i’m searching for means within a seamstress’ stress at losing stitches to design her seams
picture-perfect portraits of a pristine person,
perch, painted in a dilapidated prison
woollen worns whisper wafts of a woman,
whose watered willows grown from a lawn, 
sold a serene sheltered sanctuary saving sin,
meanwhile menacing misery from mines”

the polyrhythm ongoing
without every slowing
the constant off beat
leaves me with defeat
off patterned hits
have me in a ditz
scatter brained living
but i’m still breathing

02//12//22

fumbling fingers turn pages
whilst a story, spoken, takes ages

tracing turns of paper with eyes
silly syllables destroy what we despise

words wander into the air so fine
fingertips dance down ur spine

am i the last thought on ur mind?
u are the last thought on mine

treat me with the kindness u think i deserve
when in ur company i still get nerves 

during steps being taken to our next destination
“do i look ok? are u alright?” i question
your hand grip tightens, all unquestioned 

smitten by my charm
let me take u in my arm 

in the rain, our umbrella unfurls for a while
as my mouth blossoms into a smile

01//12//22

the sides of your mouth shot upwards as we entered the door to the place we would call home for the next day. beaming with joy and silliness from the comforts we would soon have, we searched through the caravan’s cupboards and body

i dreamt of u last night weaving your legs around mine on a floor, having your tongue touch mine as the left hand delicately stroked my thigh. i’ve been repeating our memories through my mind, wishing that i was yours and u were mine

u are worth it all sunflower, u are so so worth it dear 

i started gnawing away at the nails that once stroked your back as u were carried off to dream at night. i can’t remember the last time i chewed on my finger tips and i’ve fallen down with fright

i promised i would take care of myself but i’m not able to right now